By Sarah Jane Bisquit

Originally Published in The New York Times (December 2021)

These are unprecedented times for all of us. Whether parent or child, teacher or student, pencil-pusher or blue-collar, we all can agree that something in our lives has shifted, and most would agree it’s for the worse. The world seems more cold and harsh. Strangers don’t talk to each other anymore. We’re all buried in our phones. Things that seemed innocent just a decade ago are now faux pas. 

It’s times like these where we need to reach across the aisle. We all need to give each other a little grace.

If someone you know and/or love is transgender, you understand this fact all too well. Due to the politically charged nature of their lives, some of you may have chosen to disengage with the trans in your life in order to keep your peace. Maybe, due to your political differences, this decision was mutual. Maybe it wasn’t. That’s O.K.

No matter your relationship with this individual, it is important that you understand that, at any time, you could be put in charge of their burial rituals. Burying a transgender is an unenviable task. While the wishes of the deceased are paramount in the process, it is also important to recognize and accommodate those guests who may have been made uncomfortable by the deceased’s decisions. As such, this guide is here to provide organizational tips to ensure that your observation of life ceremony is as balanced and conflict-free as possible given our divisive climate. 

These recommendations are based off the paper “Archival Analysis of 5 Transsexual Funeral Case Studies” published by Contemporary Sociology (October 2018)

(Editor’s Note: The Paper “Archival Analysis of 5 Transsexual Funeral Case Studies” has been retracted from publication as of July 2022. As of June 2025, it has not been republished.)

Invitations:

It is important to allow all those who are grieving the chance for closure.  As such, all persons, even those estranged from the deceased, should be given open invitation to the observation of life. This applies to both the visitation hours and to the observation ceremony itself.

Additionally, when it comes time for memorial speeches, every guest should be given a fairly allotted time for speaking, regardless of their personal views— barring they break the rules of the venue.

Photographs and Decor:

Photographic displays of the deceased have been a staple of funeral tradition ever since the invention of the camera, so, naturally, you will most likely be inclined to construct one for your service. But keep this in mind: a transgender funeral is a funeral for two— the person represented by the body in the casket and the person who disappeared when the body changed its sex. It is pertinent that the audience of your funeral can properly pay their respects to both versions of your person. This is to the benefit of close family, such as parents or guardians who may feel that they never had a chance to fully mourn the disappeared person, estranged relatives or friends, who may not remember the “out” person, and for people who disagree with or otherwise wish not to interact with transgender politics. 

I personally recommend setting up an even number of poster boards (two is fine, but I prefer to use four for more flexibility in spatial organization). Select an equal number of photos between your person’s man and woman selves. Use removable Glue Dots™ to affix these pictures to the poster boards. Make sure that each person is allotted roughly the same amount of surface area in your display. Dedicating each board solely to one sex is the easiest way to do this, but an integrated display can be just as effective when arranged right.

If your transgender participated in the visual arts during their lifetime, it is appropriate to display some of their artworks as part of the ceremony decor. However, please be mindful of the aesthetic preferences of your guests when curating your selection. Try to avoid any political works; examples include works containing images of pills, images of fire, religious imagery, images of police, images of farm animals, depictions of anthropomorphic animals, prominent usage of the colors pink, blue and white, usages of self-portrait, and depictions of weapons. This list is not comprehensive. Use your own discretion.

Finally, no matter the circumstances or audience of your gathering, it is never appropriate to include photographs or artworks of a sexual or lewd nature in your funeral display. Though transgenders, on average, create more sexual pictures and artworks than the general population, this is an inappropriate aspect of their lives to show off to any mourning crowd. The only exception to this rule is in the case that not enough photographs of your person exist to fill the minimum requirements of your photograph display. In this circumstance, it is okay to alter a few explicit pictures to be safe for general viewing in order to reach a balanced display.

Corpse AttirE:

When going over the body’s attire— either by yourself or with a licensed funeral director— you may be unsure as to what styles of clothes will actually fit and flatter the body. No matter your temptation though, please refrain from asking for the sex of the body. Asking for the sex of a body is considered very rude in the funeral profession due to cadaver-prep confidentiality. Besides, the true sex of a transsexxual’s body is very hard to determine from their characteristics, as they tend to use hormones, surgeries, and other body modifications to transition into the opposite gender.

Instead, I suggest using the body’s silhouette to determine its appropriate dress. Look to the shoulders. If they are wide, a blouse with enough room for the arms should be used; if they are short, use a dress shirt with a loose fit around the chest. Look to the hips. If they are fat and rounded, use baggy pants with a high waistline; if they are straight and square, use tight fitting pants with a low waistline. In all instances, use neutral blue, green, yellow, and grey tones.

Our goal is to create an androgynous dress for your transgendered person.  Always make sure to listen to your funeral director when making decisions concerning the body of your person.

Supplemental Contextual Documentation:

A funeral display isn’t all pictures; eventually you will have to use words— alphanumeric text— to memorialize your person. What will you say? Their name— what will you call them? What will you choose to highlight in their life? What will you omit? 

Many observational services of transgenders fall apart at this stage for good reason. It is nearly impossible to please everyone. Luckily, according to a case study by the University of Michigan Department of Sociology, a successful funeral only requires attendees’ moods to be a baseline of “moderately satisfied”. This is because of the cultural taboos and stigmas surrounding death; as long as no parties feel intentionally slighted by the host, the event of death tends on average to make attendees uncomfortable enough to put aside their reservations about the minutiae of proceedings.

When referring to your person in printed materials, please write both of their names— birth name and transgender name— hyphenated together, as you would for a surname. You can put them in either order; all that matters is that they are both there, as it will allow for all parties to understand your event clearly. In administrative speech, please refer to your person with both names separated by a conjunction (example: “We are here today to remember Bonnie AND Clyde). Additionally, it is acceptable to use the pronoun “they” to refer to your person in this scenario for the sake of grammatical simplicity.

Please keep your initial eulogy as brief as possible. Your guests will already arrive at the ceremony with an idea of who your person is, and it is not necessary to impose a further narrative onto them. When discussing their life and accomplishments, please refer to the prior list of restricted topics in the “Photographs and Decor” section of this article.

As for written materials as part of the observation, Berkeley researchers actually published a paper proclaiming the positive value of allowing all of your guests to contribute to a shared document of your person’s life. To do this, send an electronic invite out to all your guests about a week before the event proper containing a submission call for typed memorial statements on your person. In addition, please provide loose leaf paper and pens on site for those wanting to make a spontaneous memorial. Each of the submitted documents should be printed out and placed into a binder for public viewing before opening for visitation hours.

Though you may have a natural urge to keep the mood of your funeral light and friendly, please do not overly moderate the submissions you receive. Please do not attempt to groom an idealized narrative of your person with these documents; the point is to reflect their multitudes. Grieving people are allowed to be upset. Grieving people are allowed to be angry. Grieving people are allowed to want justice. 

It is your responsibility as the funeral planner to hold this space for the people who are alive right now— the people who were hurt by your person’s actions. Death is not justice; there are people in your person’s life who need to be heard and seen. Accountability is an inherent part of this process. By allowing your guests to share the darker parts of your person’s life, you will be more informed, and information is the key to all great decisions. To be an informed mourner is to be a responsible mourner. Leaving out information on your person’s wrongdoings could be, in some cases, a violation of your guests’ consent. It is wrong to let people mourn without understanding all aspects of who they are mourning. Nothing is too private of a matter when it comes to creating a safe and justice-fueled space for your attendees.

Handling Feedback:

Again— when handling a topic as sensitive as transgenders, there are bound to be people who are not happy with the approach you choose. That is O.K. What is important is that you tried your best and you tried in earnest. Feedback is useful, though. It is how you improve. As such, here’s a short list of the types of feedback you will receive along with their relative value:

• Verbal Feedback - Refers to comments made at the event itself. Unless there is a major issue, this feedback will usually be short and weakly opinionated.

• Online Comments - Refers to comments made publicly under posts related to the event. These are equal in value to verbal feedback.

• Emails, Letters - Intentionally written and revised feedback directly to you specifically. The thought and care put into these communications makes them 10x more valuable than verbal feedback.

• Zines, Callout Posts - These are commonly used within the transgender community for publicly distributing behavioral feedback to other community members. Though your first instinct upon being presented one of these may be anger, please be respectful; the time and effort required to compile one of these is 20x the work involved in assembling an email or letter. It is considered a great honor to be the subject of a zine or callout post.

• Newspaper Articles - Due to the centralized structure of the majority of newspapers and other journalistic organizations, it is very unlikely that one of your attendees will publish an editorial on the state of your transgender funeral. In the case that they do, though, the heightened level of scrutiny on these published pieces makes them worth 50x more than a self-published zine. Please take their feedback into heavy consideration.

In conclusion:

While managing the burial rituals for a transgender person is hard work, there are several steps you can take to ensure a healthy and balanced discourse among your attendees. 

Sarah Jane Bisquit is a senior New York Times Columnist and the author of Let’s Get to Work: The Amy Klobuchar Story. 

(Juniper’s Note: All articles mentioned in this piece are fictional. No mentioned parties were involved in or have endorsed this piece.)